# 123 - kind of rhetorical

I just wish I knew what the fuck I could do differently to catch a break?  What ingredient am I missing that means I just CANNOT get fucking pregnant again?

DHEA?   Check
Chinese Therapies Cupping/Acupuncture?    Check
Aspirin?  Check
Massive doses of progesterone?   Check
Pre-natal vitamins?   Check
Praying to the Poo-Bahs and looking endlessly for signs?  Check
Fabulous looking perfect embryo?  Check
Laparoscopy to ensure ute is all cushy and welcoming?  Check

So much for me worrying about actually staying pregnant, I just can’t seem to GET pregnant.  I’ve not had a viable pregnancy (well, you know what I mean by viable as such) - since I got pregnant with P & L in Oct 2005.  That’s not good - back then I was 34, at 37 it’s not looking pretty.

I. am. so. frustrated.

Why can’t I have the fucking DHEA miracle that every other woman on the planet seems to achieve so easily? 

Why is it so hard?

# 122 - Show and Tell

I know, 2 posts in 1 day - I’m totally lashing out.

Mel has instigated a Show and Tell Sunday, and I couldn’t resist.

This is the contents of a parcel that arrived this week.  It perked me up no end.

And boy, did I need perking up.  Niobe sent me these treasures from France - and I can’t put down the key you see in the foreground.  It’s old, and beautiful, and undoubtedly holds many secrets.  I hold it and just wonder where it was made, what it was for, who has held this key before me.  It’s gorgeous.

–

Here’s some more Show and Tell for you - from our walk today.  Asha was just divine, after barking like a maniac with excitement when we first got there, she settled beautifully and was just the biggest hit with everyone.  People just can’t resist her goofy grin.

Unfortunately I didn’t get many photos and no video that was worth showing (sorry T!) - but will endeavour to get some for you soon because of course you love my pup and my kitty and can’t sleep properly if you don’t see them. 

–

Now, go visit Mel and have a look at some more Show and Tell!

*smooches*

# 121

You know something?  I physically cannot grieve this loss (for that’s what it feels like to me, another tiny loss compounded and stacked and crushing in on all the other ones) - I’m just kind of emotionally constipated.  Then I come to my blog and read all your gorgeous messages (thanks so much to those of you who haven’t commented in a while, it’s so lovely to hear from you) and sneaky, traitorous tears prick at the back of my eyes.  So I have to close the computer and go do something.  Maybe you’re my emotional laxatives?  Heartwarming, no?

Old Aunt Flo found me yesterday, and boy is she making up for lost time.  Bitch.

–

Last night I dreamt that my husband got a (much, much, MUCH younger) woman pregnant, and she showed me her pee stick resplendant with 3 pink lines.  Yup, 3.  Fucking overachiever.  I have never felt more miserable when I awoke.

–

The internet is practically dripping with fabulous news these past few weeks, and I’m sure we’re all grateful that at last the fortunes seem to be changing for so many of our friends.  However, one of my fellow Aussie bloggers has had a bombshell dropped this week, mere days before she is due to give birth to her much longed-for child.  Please go give Topcat and Mr TC some love, this week they have had some crushing news regarding Mr TC’s health and have a long road ahead of them.  Good vibes are what they need.  Thank you my lovelies.

–

Ok, going to take some serious painkillers and going on the RSPCA Million Paws walk with Asha today - if you see a crazy-eyed woman being dragged around the streets, that’s probably me.  Will take some photos because I think it’s time we had some gratuitious cute doggy pics.  I hate people, but will do anything for animals, including being publicly humilated by my nutbag dog.  Good times.

 

# 120

Negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative negative

(as in, not even a HINT of a WHISPER of a THOUGHT of implantation.  Now where have I misplaced that pesky period?)

# 119

I had a post drafted up in my head - a big long dialogue between me and the universe and how the universe likes to use me for target practise - but I’m too tired to bother.

Pee test negative.

Crinone turning brown.

Heartsick.

* Please, don’t tell me about all the negative pee sticks and positive blood tests.  I know that they happen, but I’ve had 4 pregnancies and not once has it happened to me.  However, I will have my beta anyway because I’d like to know where my period has gone.

# 118 - coma? please?

15dp2dt = 17dpo.  Sick of me yet?  I am.

I am a jangling ball of nerves.  I’m symptom-free, apart from the constant queasy feeling in my stomach I get when I’m anxious as all hell.  Cramps gone, boobs don’t hurt, nothing, nada, zilch.

Even WonderDoc called me today to see why he hadn’t heard from me, he is incredulous that I haven’t tested and told me to test when I got home today.  I said no.  Tomorrow morning is fine.

It’s nearly over.  Will post in the morning after I pee.

# 117 - kill me now

14dp2dt or 16dpo.  Ok, I’m hearing you about the poas and stuff.  I know that sooner or later either I’m going to bleed, or I’m not, and I can’t live under my nice, cosy rock forever.  My clinic schedules betas late when compared to other clinics, mine is due to be done on Friday (they gave me the date at transfer, most times I don’t get to have the test because I’m bleeding for Australia), before that I have to poas and if it’s positive then go for a blood test.  BTW, I’ve never waited this long to test but my last nerve is jangling and frayed and I just can’t do it and stare at the stark whiteness.

I’ve been studying my previous cycles and this is different.  The last time I used Crin0ne (August 07) I had blood up my hoo-ha (if I poked and prodded) at 15dpo and the Crin0ne remnants were a pinky colour, and my luteal phase went to 17 days.  But we all know that no 2 cycles are the same and whatever the outcome of this cycle is, nothing I can do now will change it. 

Can you believe I’ve given my girl toilet-paper burn?  Yup, I’m grazed down there and every time I go to the loo it bleeds a tiny bit and stings like a fukker - just lovely.

I need a drink. 

# 116 - headfukked

13dp2dt or 15dpo.  The only other cycle af hasn’t arrived on time (14dpo for me) was when I used Crin0ne, which I am using this time.  That cycle my luteal phase was 17 days - so I’m in limbo land and honestly feel as though my period is going to start any fucking second.  Is Crin0ne known to delay a period? 

Whatever.  It’ll probably start tomorrow and no I won’t bother to poas.  Promise.

–

Folks left this morning (they bought us a big tv! Yay!) - and A is at night school and I’m home alone with kitty and puppy and my evil mind that will not rest.  I have about 34789342987423789 unread feeds and will slowly plough my way through them and to your blogs as quickly as I can, I probably won’t comment but rest assured I’m around.

# 115

So, Mother’s Day.  Sucks.  Ass.

I’ve maintained my zen and my mask, but it’s been a struggle.  They should be here, giving me crudely scribbled cards and sloppy kisses.

–

11dp2dt and hope has left the building.  And I was actually doing quite well.  Not exactly hopeful, but not not hopeful either.  Now I’m not hopeful.  Serious af cramps started this morning.  Would love to be wrong, but somehow I doubt it.

–

Having a great time with my Dad and StepMum.  Haven’t told them about the 2ww and I’m glad we decided not to.  Lots of eating and drinking wine and living life - which is ok with me.

Will be back around to see you all in a few days.  *smooches*

# 114 - 6 by 6

This piqued my interest from the girls at Glow in the Woods, feel free to go read what others have said, and do them yourself.

1 - In a word, how would you characterize yourself before your (first) loss, and then after?
      Before - guarded.  After - despondent.

2 - How do you feel around pregnant women?
     Terrified that their pregnancy will end badly, and the urge to flee screaming and waving my hands in the air.

3 - How do you answer the ‘how many children’ question?
      None.  Talking about 2 twin losses and 2 subsequent miscarriages is a little much, even for me.

4 - How did you explain what happened to your lost baby to your living children? Or, if this was your first pregnancy, will you tell future children about your first?
     All 4 of my pregnancies ended badly.  Not sure how I could ever turn that into a child-friendly story, although if we are ever lucky enough to have children survive I’m sure they’ll know they had siblings.

5 - What would another pregnancy mean to you, and how would you get through it—or are you done with babymaking?
     Considering how avidly we’re pursuing pregnancy, obviously I haven’t really thought it though.  Because if I did, I certainly would NOT pursue it.

6 -  Imagine being able to step back in time and whisper into the ear of your past self the day after your baby died. What would you say?
     It gets worse.  More of your babies will die.